What I Wore Sunday: What I Read Sunday

Posted on November 11, 2012 by Rae 13 Comments

I rarely wear jewelry, but my sister saw my husband taking a picture of me to link up with Fine Linen and Purple’s What I Wore Sunday and decided that I needed to wear her pearl necklace. Literally, a necklace with one humongous fake pearl. Apparently she ordered it online, expecting it to be small and delicate.

They then decided to attempt to pose me, resulting in much laughter.

 

I am holding a copy of Following Christ in a Consumer Society, because it is my book for today. I will probably read it while my husband reorganizes the bookshelves. It is my fault that they are messy, but I cannot fix them myself because we have very different ways of organizing books, and this is one of the many only spaces where I let him have things his way.

Ehem. Moving on!

I bought the book (used, of course! ;-)) for my husband a year or two ago because it was on his wish list (alas, so consumerish), but never read it for myself.

Earlier this week I saw a tweet from Jonathan Sullivan:

And realized that now would be the perfect time to kick myself and actually read the book. I expect that I may post more about it later. You can read the first chapter here if you like.

What are you reading today?

For Smirks , , , ,

Source of Scandal 2: Leaving Mass Early

Posted on November 10, 2012 by Rae 3 Comments

Once upon a time I had lots of ideas about how things should be, especially when it came to the behavior of people in Church.

Then God helped me mess everything up.

. . .

Judas was the first one to leave Mass early at the Last Supper. Let us not follow in his footsteps.

Funny joke, right?

Sure, as long as we do not allow it to influence how we see others in church.

I have never paid much attention to people who leave Mass early. Thankfully it often happens when they have left the pew already to receive communion, so it is not at all disruptive.

Nevertheless, I remember sitting in the pew agreeing with a visiting priest who vehemently exclaimed that people should never leave Mass early, and that to do so was a sign of not believing in the Real Presence. He said that he did not want to see anyone leaving Mass early unless he could see blood (pun apparently unintended).

Fast forward a few years. As my husband and I headed to church, I told him that I might need to leave early. Perhaps I should have stayed home, but I had surgery scheduled for that week. Thanks to cyclical timing, I knew that I would be in too much pain to go to Mass as usual during the week and it was important to me to receive both absolution and the Eucharist before the surgery.

I got through Mass with a bit of half-kneeling, but there was still enough movement to exacerbate the pain. And so when the time came for announcements I whispered to my husband that I needed to leave as soon as possible. After the final blessing we darted toward the back of the church as the celebrant stood as usual to wait for the first verse of the recessional hymn.

An usher whom I had never seen before stopped me before I got out the door. As an usher whom I recognized stood by, the unknown usher reprimanded us for leaving early. I paused to listen to him, wanting to give him a withering look, but I suspect that he saw in my face the look of one who simply did not care, rather than eyes glazed over in pain. I resumed my way out the door though, as soon as he warned us that we were “going to miss the final blessing.”

In some sweet irony, the faithful usher had himself somehow managed to miss the final blessing, in his efforts to keep others participating in Mass according to his standards.

It does not really matter whether or not I had technically stayed for all of Mass. What mattered was that I did what I could.

We never know whether the person who appears to casually disrespect Mass has done all that she can do. What we do know is that we are not God, and that Mass, of all places, should be a space where we allow God to judge.

Thankfully I am me. Thankfully I knew that the random usher was acting out of his own views in that moment, rather than faithfully representing the parish.

But I had never seen that man before. What if it had been my first Sunday returning back to the Church? What if?

 

Catholic Fights , ,

Walk Then as Children of the Light

Posted on November 9, 2012 by Rae Leave a comment

So be imitators of God, as beloved children, and live in love, as Christ loved us and handed himself over for us as a sacrificial offering to God for a fragrant aroma.

Immorality or any impurity or greed must not even be mentioned among you, as is fitting among holy ones, no obscenity or silly or suggestive talk, which is out of place, but instead, thanksgiving.

Be sure of this, that no immoral or impure or greedy person, that is, an idolater, has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.

Let no one deceive you with empty arguments, for because of these things the wrath of God is coming upon the disobedient.

So do not be associated with them.

For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light, for light produces every kind of goodness and righteousness and truth.

Try to learn what is pleasing to the Lord.

Take no part in the fruitless works of darkness; rather expose them, for it is shameful even to mention the things done by them in secret; but everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for everything that becomes visible is light.

Therefore, it says: “Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will give you light.”

Watch carefully then how you live, not as foolish persons but as wise, making the most of the opportunity, because the days are evil.

Therefore, do not continue in ignorance, but try to understand what is the will of the Lord. (Source)

It is most refreshing for me to think a bit about the basics. My mind quickly wanders to random details of very precise arguments over how particular points of the faith are to be practically lived.

Yet where there is life there is hope. And sometimes, just for a moment, I remember the light.

Catholic Quirks , , ,

Catholic Wives and the Hazing of Newly Married Life

Posted on November 8, 2012 by Rae 3 Comments

I wrote this well over a year ago, and I am happy to say that even in that small amount of time I have seen the development of a very different group of young Catholic married women. But enough of another sort still exists that this may be worth thinking about, just a little.

. . .

Do you instinctively trust good Catholic women?

I don’t.

I really want to, but reality seems to indicate that, if anything, when it comes to nurturing we are less trustworthy than other groups.

When I was preparing for marriage I read everything I could find that was at all relevant. My husband still laughs about the fact that I read everything related to marriage that the USCCB and four different dioceses had online. I read canon law, I read blogs. It was actually incredibly fun and not at all stressful… until I started encountering more of the women whom I automatically looked to as role-models.

One day I joined a Facebook group that had a cool Catholic feminine name. This was back in the day (I’m oh so old, dontcha know) when Facebook was different and groups were mostly about having a cool name show up on your profile. It was a private group (a new thing at the time) but as I mentioned, it had a cool name.


My request to join was soon approved and I took a little while to browse the discussions. It was clear that many of these young married women had been incredibly innocent prior to marriage, and had found the transition to marriage extremely painful. Amongst the lighter topics they shared suggestions and spiritual passages for those who were still reeling from hellish wedding nights, newlywed fights, and financial storms. It was nothing that I hadn’t seen before, I had read blogs and taken women’s studies classes requiring books about what life was like for women in the dark ages 1950s. But it did cause me to reflect on how crucial it was to share this information with the “younger sisters” of these women. Clearly uber-conservative Catholic colleges weren’t giving details of real married life in their Theology of the Body classes.

And then I got a message from another moderator. She apparently did not notice that I had been approved by one of her fellow moderators and asked me to share about myself before being permitted to join the group. I gave a young chipper response about how I was getting married that summer and was happy to have found such a great group. She responded with a curt explanation that she was removing me from the group because I was not married, and maybe I would be approved once I was married, but for now this was a place for married women to talk about married things. I got the distinct impression that she was not only protecting her little circle from my potentially ignorant influence, she was actually trying to protect my presumed innocence. The very same innocence that she had once had–until it was shattered by her marriage.

I was horrified. Previously I had felt badly for some of these women, but now I was upset about what they were doing. They had been hurt by a system that had set them up for heartbreaking pain. And now they wanted to carefully protect the same system by making sure that they only shared their wisdom with other women who had been suitably wounded by the same shocking transition from innocent girlhood to dejected and disillusioned wife.

As it happened, I did not actually need any of their factual knowledge, though I am sure I could have benefited from their communal wisdom. But they had no way of knowing this. For all they knew I was exactly as they had been two or three years before when they danced blindly into marriage.

The most troubling part is that this is far from the only example that I could give. Some women are happy to bemoan their horrible lot in life to anyone who will listen, but for many of us, there is a sense that others need to be protected from our terrible truth. But when this terrible truth is nothing other than the life which they are about to live, then we owe it to our community to share both the good and the bad.

Of course some conversations need to happen on an individual level with one person whom we can trust to understand. But if something is a universal enough experience to share in a Facebook group, then perhaps we are motivated by something other than perfect charity when we hide it from those whom we consider to be too innocent to understand.

One of the nastier sides of the world of Good Catholic Family Women is that we often make life harder than it needs to be. I refuse to believe that God designed the first years of marriage as a sort of horrible hazing through which Catholic women must live before they can be welcomed to the wounded-wives club.

I am very thankful for the women who (sometimes inadvertently) shared a healthy perspective of reality with me years before I got married. Sure, some aspects of Catholic marriage will always present an incredible challenge, but things are oh-so-very-much better when one is able to adequately prepare in the company of wise and gracious women. Thank God for the generous women who are determined to not let others experience the same unnecessary suffering through which they were required to live!

Catholic Quirks

Source of Scandal 1: Ripped Jeans at Mass

Posted on November 7, 2012 by Rae 2 Comments

Once upon a time I had lots of ideas about how things should be, especially when it came to the behavior of people in Church.

Then God helped me mess everything up.

. . .

A long, long time ago I did not wear ripped jeans to Mass. When I saw someone who did, I did not think too much about it, but I felt that it was wrong. After all, we need to respect God and each other. We need to put effort into Church.

These days I do not wear ripped jeans to Mass. When I see someone who does, I sometimes feel a twinge of guilt. It is quite possible that they are wearing those jeans because they are living a much holier life. Perhaps they are not only wearing through their limited clothing, but then spending their time in more profitable ways than puttering around thrift stores looking for clothing which looks nicer.

There was a time, more recent than the long, long time ago, that I wore ripped jeans to Mass.


I had gotten the jeans used some place and then worn them for a couple of years. Eventually there came a time when I lacked resources to find better clothing.

There was a Salvation Army donation site down the street and I would walk there to drop off things I deemed unneeded, but the closest thrift store was too far away to justify the gas money to get there. My only option for clothing was the local Wal-Mart. One day, when I was there buying food I saw a rack of clothing on clearance for $1.00.

I could not decide which shirts and skirt to get. So I bought five items, knowing that I could take them home to get my husband’s opinion. I would then return all but two during my next grocery run.

I ended up keeping two shirts and a skirt. I was very happy since it was just in time for Holy Week. I wore the skirt to Church every day that week.

Before that though, I always wore the same jeans.

I did not have anything to give to God during this time. I could not make the typical fasts during Lent because I had no money to give. I could not afford to drive to the nearest city to volunteer. I could not cut back on food because we were already eating the cheapest of legumes and white flour. I told my husband that when his clients finally paid him, we would buy pasta to celebrate. In the meantime though, there was no way to justify the expense of pasta when flour and salt were so much cheaper.

And so I prayed. It was only natural that I should kneel several times a day on the rocks in front of a local grotto.

Yes, I did try to sell the camera online. Duh.

By the end of Lent my jeans were ripped at the knees.

Eventually the issues which had tied-up my husband’s old attempt at a retirement fund were cleared and we had some money to move to an area with better employment prospects.

I continued to wear the jeans for another month, until I got a new old pair from a sister. In the meantime, when I found a random daily Mass I probably scandalized people by wearing ripped jeans in Church.

These days I have several “respectable” options to wear to Church, thanks to a good job which not only paid enough for me to afford clothing, but both required decent clothing and also provided the opportunity to live in an area where I can walk to stores with cheap clothing.

I don’t wear ripped jeans to Mass. But when I see someone else in ripped jeans I am reminded that there was a time when I would actually bend my knees in prayer enough to tear my jeans. I am reminded that there are faithful people nearby who are suffering from real poverty. I am reminded that every moment I spend shopping for myself is a moment that I did not give to God in the service of others.

I don’t wear ripped jeans to Mass. But I thank God when I see someone else doing so.

Catholic Fights ,

Catholic Voting: Reality Check

Posted on November 6, 2012 by Rae 4 Comments

If you are entirely comfortable with your choice today in the presidential election, then you are different from me. Possibly:

  • You are far smarter and more politically savvy
  • You have access to different information
  • You know less about Church teaching
  • You just don’t care

While I am uncomfortable with my choice, I am not unhappy. I have a nagging feeling that this may in fact be the least important presidential election of my life.

Thanks be to God, voting in the presidential election–especially in a very politically united state–is entirely a civic sacrament with no practical implications.

Catholic Fights , , ,

Prayer for Weary Priests

Posted on November 6, 2012 by Rae 2 Comments

Jesus, perfect high priest who is able to sympathize with our weaknesses, we ask you to sympathize with the weaknesses of our priests today.
Forgive their sins and failures.
Grant them strength to serve you.
Fill them with the desire to love as you have loved.
Teach them the truth which they must offer to others through their lives.
Remind them of the importance of rest here on earth, and bring them at last to perfect rest in heaven. Amen.

Prayer ,

Alone With God

Posted on November 5, 2012 by Rae 1 Comment

Two weeks ago I took a class that was scheduled for 8-5 but ended an hour early. This was a most blessed thing since it was an emotionally as well as intellectually intense experience, and I had a blasted headache.

As I drove home I realized that I could take a slight detour and go to Adoration. I just wanted to go to bed, but I would have stayed for class had it not ended early, so why not take at least some of the time for Adoration instead?

I arrived about 5:00pm and the chapel had three men in it, all of working age, none together. I think perhaps another one or two came and went as well, though I was not paying much attention.

I slumped into the kneeler, wondering what I used to pray when I would go to Adoration for hours at a time without touching a book.

I know that I used to think with God a lot.

The problem with being away from prayer is that it starts to feel as though one needs to pray, and goodness knows I have never been good at that.

Time passed. One by one, the men left, including the one whom I had identified as the scheduled adorer.

I felt some mixture of righteous indignation and confusion. You don’t leave Adoration when it is your scheduled time. You just don’t. If your replacement has not arrived, then you should at least talk to someone there to insure that they can stay for another hour. And if you can’t do that, then you need to kick everyone out and lock the door. Or something.

I’ve never actually been a scheduled adorer, I just have these rules magically ingrained in me. And one of the reasons that I had not stopped more recently at this Adoration Chapel was that the last time I had dropped by it had been closed, even though it was during normal hours. So clearly they had some procedure for closing it down.

I knew that I was going to have to wait because this was not an issue of broken protocol for me. It was just one of those things that I somewhat randomly happen to feel strongly about.

I wondered how long I would wait. I checked the list to make sure that someone was scheduled for this hour and the next one. I knew that I would obviously wait an hour, but how long would I stay if no one came then?

Probably three hours. Yeah, that sounded right. Back in my hardcore days I would have just sent Josh a text and stayed all night, but those days are no more. After three hours I would find some way to call a priest and close it down.

I went to the bookshelf. This parish clearly had both a serious identity disorder and low level of intellectualism. Or else maybe someone with similar taste to me had stolen all of the good books. I passed over all of the cheesy Protestant books, anti-Rome style sister books, and stupid psycho-trad books, and pulled a new translation of the Spiritual Exercises. I’ve read it before, and I know that it is not meant to be read as a book, and that I am not meant to work through it alone. But I was desperate, and I knew that it at least would not be stupid.

Besides, I am no longer used to being alone with God for long, and reading even the Saints can be a great way to prevent oneself from absorbing too much God, too soon.

I read a few sentences. It was good.

Suddenly I realized that I was alone. In an Adoration Chapel. With Jesus. Alone.

It had been so long.

Our recent parishes have been the sort where the tabernacle is kept front and center in the Church. This is all well and good for abstract symbolism, but, in my experience, it is a poor way to cultivate reverence, and it makes quiet prayer in front of the tabernacle impossible, rather than normal, the way it had been in four of my previous parishes.

Prostration came as naturally for me as it always had, back in the days when I would wait and pray long enough after mass when finally everyone would leave and I could be alone.

I remained there for about ten minutes.

I heard a noise in the hall and returned to my kneeler to pray for a little while longer. Soon the room was full of people. At least it felt that way as there were perhaps eight in separate groups.

I replaced the book and left.

As I got into my car I saw the pastor drive up and start to walk toward the office. I did not know for sure that it was the pastor (I have only seen one of the other priests before), but I was pretty confident. I thought of stopping him to ask about whether they had a procedure for Adoration that had fallen through and perhaps needed to be updated.

Instead I said a prayer for him. At first I reasoned that there was no way that there could be an ongoing issue without him already knowing. And if he already knew, then there was no reason for me to concern myself with how he handled it. He must be exhausted.

Then it hit me. This was prime adoration time for this parish. People like to stop by after work and school. There had been multiple people there, then no one, then multiple people.

What are the chances that I should get to spend such time alone with my God?

. . .

Just listen and ignore the visual.

Prayer , ,

What I Wore Sunday: In Praise of the Full Slip

Posted on November 4, 2012 by Rae 16 Comments

This is what I wore this Sunday.

But what I would really like to talk about is what I wore underneath it. Okay, I wouldn’t really like to talk about that, but I do think that as a favor to the world I must call your attention to the marvels of the full slip.

Far too often women play with the extremes of either wearing little to nothing under their skirts (the horror!) or else stuffing themselves into sausage casings Spanx. Both choices are rather self-defeating. There is not much point to going out of your way to wear a skirt or dress if you are not going to bother to actually make it look good. And if you are wearing Spanx then you may think that you are feeling all ladylike–and you probably are–but what you are not feeling is truly lovely.

If you think that wearing dresses is a particularly good idea, then you really must appreciate the remarkable virtues of the full slip. They can be quite inexpensive (I got my most recent ones from Ross for $5-$10) and they are worth every penny.

For Smirks ,

5 Ways to Make NFP Easy

Posted on November 4, 2012 by Rae 19 Comments

I have hesitated for a long time to publish this, because in the past I have caused scandal by bluntly stating certain aspects of Church teaching without bothering to dance in the nuance. And then, of course, there is the little fact that I learned long ago that few are like me in their approach to NFP. Yet I know that it is good for people to see another side, even if they would never wish to walk it themselves. And there are at least a few pre-Cana couples out there who actually want to have NFP work in their future marriages. So here goes something…

What I tell my sisters about NFP.

NFP can be easy. Sure, not all couples will need to concern themselves with planning their families, but for the majority who do need NFP, it can work very well. NFP can be easy for faithful Catholics who care deeply about following the Church’s teaching precisely. Of course NFP can be miserable. We all know that. But it does not have to be. The truth is that if you expect NFP to be a challenge, and then go on to make it even more difficult on yourself… well, you might break under the burden. Or you might flourish. I suppose that is the Catholic way of saying that your mileage may vary? Ehem. Anyway.

Abstain on your wedding night.

No, I am not joking. So many couples freak out because they think that they are making a tremendous sacrifice if they happen to get married on a day with indications of fertility. Either they feel so terribly deprived as they abstain, or they ignore their consciences in regard to responsible parenting, or they start their marriage off with a “just this once” use of contraception. Not cool. And don’t tell yourself that you *must* have sex in order to have a valid marriage. Because that’s just not true. And truth is good for marriage.

There is a flipping easy solution to this problem. Simply plan for abstinence on your wedding night. If you are sexually experienced then it won’t kill you to wait another day (or 10). If you are *not* sexually experienced, then it might do you a whole lot of good to take things veeeery slowly. Like your whole honeymoon slowly. In either case, planning ahead of time to abstain on your wedding night can set you up for success with NFP. Sure, I am crazy, but you are the one thinking of avoiding sex as a way to avoid babies. If you are not crazy too, then you should expect failure. Or something.

And if you are extra concerned about this issue, then delay your honeymoon and start your marriage off with a religious pilgrimage instead. You won’t regret it.

Avoid pregnancy for at least 3 months.

Actually, I really think you should probably avoid for at least 6 months, but since any timeline is arbitrary and the number 3 is symbolic of the Trinity or something we’ll go with that.

If you read enough I-Hate-NFP stories you will notice a theme so resounding as to become, dare I say it, hackneyed. It is the story of couples who thought they were going to be so perfect and open to life all their lives and have lots of babies and let God decide whatever. So they had no need to learn NFP. So they had babies. And then needed NFP. And then could not figure it out during the very stressful postpartum period. So they had another baby that they could not handle. And they hated NFP. Because NFP DOESNT WORK, and it is SOOOO HARD. Etc.

According to my very scientific survey of anecdotal evidence, precisely 50% of these couples (half!) would have found NFP significantly less of a burden had they chosen to learn it, and practice it at least for a little while when first married.

Some people say that you should not get married if you do not want to have a baby right away. I say you should not get married if you can not handle 3 months of avoiding pregnancy. #Snark.

Follow the liturgical cycle.

If you thought the first two suggestions were bad, you will love this one. One of the reasons that people find NFP insufferable is that they see it as a poor (self-denying) alternative to the more Catholic (fun) option of having sex whenever they want. While this view has its merits, it is also very new in the scope of Church history.

For the vast majority of years during which Catholics have been Catholic, faithful married couples abstained for religious reasons for far more of the year than modern NFP-users abstain in order to avoid pregnancy.

This sounds scary and unnecessary. And maybe it is. But it is also a great way to get some perspective on the abstinence required for avoiding pregnancy. If you are finding that abstinence for the purpose of avoiding pregnancy feels like too much of a burden, then consider the counter-intuitive method of abstaining more–for more obviously holy reasons.

Even if you have no reason to avoid pregnancy, abstaining during times of penance (Fridays, Advent, Lent, random days determined by your diocese, whatever) can knock some Catholic sense into you and renew your thoughts on sex and abstinence. If nothing else it will allow you to compete with your holier-than-thou we-use-God-family-planning pew neighbors. Nothing like penance and abstinence to help with arrogance, right?

Learn about various disorders.

And by “disorders” I mean the reproductive health sort, not the you-must-be-disordered-if-you-think-marriage-is-about-more-than-sex type.

Getting a clue about the basic problems that could make NFP more difficult will help things not be so difficult. Education is useful. Shocking, I know.

Even if you are one of the lucky ones who never has any reproductive health issues, knowing about them will help you to be less stressed when other people start telling their horror stories. Hint: no woman is actually fertile all the time. There are, however, many reasons for a woman to have continuous symptoms which some schools of NFP would declare to be “fertile.” Learn about these things, and your life will be sweet as honey and your wife as lovely as a flock of sheep. Or something.

Knowledge is good. Sure, you know that you will never need it, but maybe you can help someone else with it some day when they are asking you about how you have such a perfect marriage. Or something.

Learn about multiple methods.

What I really want to say is to learn multiple methods of tracking fertility, but I’m thinking that I will have to settle for telling you to at least learn about multiple methods.

There are as many ways to determine fertility and rules for avoiding or achieving pregnancy as there are ways to skin a mouse. Warning: this may come as a shock to your NFP-teacher, but not all methods are equally good for all couples.

It should be obvious that some ways of tracking fertility will work better for some women’s bodies than others. What is slightly less obvious at first is how other factors, such as the strictness or style of a method, will make it better or worse suited to each couple.

If you are a control freak couple you may love Creighton. If you enjoy dancing in the woods in a rhythm determined precisely by your own body you may love Billings.

Some methods are beautiful in their simplicity. Other methods have the genius of complexity that is incredibly reassuring.

You may love whatever method you stumble upon. But you may not. And if you at least know about the basics of some other methods then you will have a tremendous advantage in being able to make NFP easier, better, and hotter. Or something.

. . .

The wonderfully secret truth is that NFP may be quite a challenge–for all the same reasons that marriage may be quite a challenge–but it does not have to be impossible. If following all those blasted Catholic rules is important to you, as it is to me, then there are pretty simple ways to set yourself up for success.

Have serious talks with your significant other. Realize that if you cannot currently have a coherent, loving discussion about the possibility of things such as abstaining for weeks after your wedding, that NFP may not work for you in this relationship. Don’t be stupid. Don’t be selfish. Don’t ignore red flags… Or any color flags, actually.

Know that the ease or challenge that NFP presents in your marriage will have little to do with your bodies and a lot to do with your minds. And hearts. And souls.

Spend a little time expecting–and preparing–for the worst.

Then move on with your life and marriage knowing that you get to make the choices which can make NFP… dare I say it? Easy.

The Body