You, O Mother, are close to all and protect all, and although our eyes are unable to see you, we know, O Most Holy One, that you dwell among all of us and make yourself present in the most varied ways. -Germanus of Constantinople
My Jesus, your humanity fills me with joy today as you remind me of the importance of the bliss of a child in his loving mother’s arms.
Please guide me back to Mary’s arms so that I too may be content in her care today.
Thomas of Identified Catholic tweeted this question:
You will note that it is clearly directed at his male followers.
I proceeded to (not entirely ironically) illustrate what I believe to be the underlying cause by responding to his tweet with a joke about whether the #Cathmen would have more followers if they were female because to be female is to be more social. Or something.
Social and pushy are the same thing, right?
Thomas responded that he is pretty social, and when I tried to offer examples of Catholic men who seem to have plenty of followers he responded that he already follows them.
So, what’s up with all of this?
I don’t know.
First of all, I don’t know if this is really a thing. A quick look at the Catholics that I follow (guesstimated at 1,500 between two accounts) shows that it is pretty normal for people to have about 200-300 followers. In my little world there are about equal numbers of men and women who have more than 1,000 followers. In fact, it was easy for me to think of several men to suggest to Thomas (Jeffrey, Jonathan, Marc, Jared, William, etc. etc.). It was much more challenging to try to come up with examples of Catholic women whom one would think of as having a lot of followers.
My very unscientific (but totally theologically correct, yo!) examination shows that I follow both some men and some women who are crazy chatterboxes tweeting more than 10 times a day. The only difference that I can see is that more women tend to go into lengthy conversations with numerous @s. To make things even more fun, the Catholic women on Twitter appear to be more likely to jump into existing conversations, thus extending them even further.
There are some men who do this, but more often than not there is at least one woman involved in the conversation. And when it is strictly a man-Twitter-convo (with all the women, such as myself, silently spying) it is almost always directly about theology, not personal daily experience. The man-centered Twittersations are also more likely to look like arguments (theological arguments) and less likely to look like, well, anything else.
I have yet to see a man-twittersation that includes tweets such as “Oh, that is so horrible that you found that out about Yves Congar
and Abelard!” And then another one chime in with “I felt the same way when I realized that Jean-Luc Marion and Jacques Maritain weren’t even the same person!” But I frequently see women have similar conversations, just switch out the theologians names for pretty much anything. I should note that I also some women who use Twitter in this “man” style, but I doubt that they would meet Thomas’ idea of having a large following.
For what it is worth (aka, nothing) Twitter was originally intended to be used more in the style of Father Charles with some interaction with one’s followers, but mostly a steady one-directional stream of brilliant short thoughts. Twitter was, of course, designed by men.
As it happens, this may all line up with general use of Twitter. Supposedly “posting status updates is the second most popular reason women use Twitter, while more men use it to find the latest news.” Well, at least back in the day when this was written.
In short, in my little Catholic Twitter-world, women certainly appear to be more engaged because they are more conversational, but that does not necessarily show that they have more of a following.
Does this match up with what you observe? Do you think that women naturally have more followers on blogs and Twitter?
And just for fun, I leave you with two awesome under-followed Twitter suggestions. My estimation of your Twitter-prowess will be at least doubled if I find out that you are following these two:
Man: Mark Szewczak
Woman: Kallah Rachel
And, as always, please let me know if I am not following you on Twitter. I happen to love to use Twitter as a two-way social tool, but I stink at always noticing who I should be following.
Last Sunday I saw that a few participants in What I Wore Sunday posted about the fact that they do not have excessive amounts of clothing and thus do not have enough variation to allow for infinite interesting posts about what they wear each Sunday.
I tried to not go all Crazy-Catholic on them, but I sort-of-kind-of wanted to cheer for joy.
The truth is that unless you are one of a very select few who must live a very particular sort of life (Ms. Middleton, I’m looking at you!) having excessive amounts of clothing is a potential source of scandal. It is one thing to look presentable in whatever way happens to count as appropriate for the present situation. It is another thing entirely to give the appearance of spending significant time and money on one’s appearance when there are always people around the Church who desperately need our attention.
I am not quite stupid enough to criticize those who take great pleasure in clothing. We all waste time on something and most of us squander crazy amounts of money on lots of things. I probably spend far more time on stupid blog posts than the best-dressed people spend on their clothing.
But the fact remains that clothing will never be the better part.
So here’s to you, if you are one of those who frequently repeat the same Sunday clothing.
As it happens, I own a grand total of one pair of jeans and just about everything else in my closet is business casual. So if this were real life, you might see a whole lot more repetition in my What I Wore Saturday than on Sundays.
But just for today I am going to pretend that I am part of the cool Saintly club that repeats Sunday outfits out of necessity.
My dress is the same as the one shown here two weeks ago. I don’t consider myself hip enough to get away with silver shoes and a black hemline/tights, but today was one of those blonde days. I slipped on the silver shoes before walking out to the kitchen, and then somehow woke up in church to realize that I had forgotten to change shoes. Oops!
The blood at my feet is from the sister who made fun of my boring outfit paint dropped by a previous tenant.
From earliest youth she opened her heart in warm, compassionate love for all who suffered and were oppressed. She was moved to feed the hungry and to tend the sick, but was never satisfied with warding off material need alone, always desiring to have cold hearts warm themselves at her own. The poor children in her hospital ran into her arms calling her mother, because they felt her real maternal love. All of this overflowing treasure came from the inexhaustible source of the Lord’s love, for he had been close to her for as long as she could remember.
When her father and mother sent her away, he went with her into the far-away, foreign country. From the time that she knew that he dwelt in the town chapel, she was drawn to it from the midst of her childhood games. Here she is at home. When people reviled and derided her, it was here that she found comfort. No one was as faithful as he. Therefore, she had to be true to him as well and love him above everyone and everything. No human image was permitted to dislodge his image from her heart. This is why strong pangs of remorse overwhelmed her when she was startled by the little bell announcing the consecration, making her aware that her eye and her heart were turned toward the husband at her side instead of paying attention to the Holy Sacrifice.
In the presence the image of the Crucified One who hangs on the Cross naked and bleeding, she could not wear finery and a crown. He stretched his arms out wide to draw to himself all who were burdened and heavy laden. She must carry this Crucified One’s love to all who are burdened and heavy laden and in turn arouse in them love for the Crucified One. They are all members of the Mystical Body of Christ. She serves the Lord when she serves them. But she must also ensure that through faith and love they become living members. Everyone close to her she tried to lead to the Lord, thus practicing a blessed apostolate. This is evident in the life of her companions. The formation of her husband is a persuasive witness to this, as well as the interior change of his brother, Conrad, who after her death, obviously under her influence, entered an Order. The love of Christ, this is the spirit that filled and informed Elizabeth’s life, that nurtured her unceasing love of her neighbors.
Source
Inscribe with your precious blood, most merciful Lord, your wounds on my heart, that I may read in them both your sufferings and your love. May the memory of your wounds ever remain in the hidden places of my heart, to stir up within me your compassionate sorrow, so that the flame of your love may be enkindled in me. Grant also that all creatures may become vile to me, and that you may become the only sweetness of my heart.
This is the second in a set of posts about things that I tell my sisters. It may not make much sense to you if you do not come from the same place as my sisters and I do.
What I tell my sisters about “letting men lead” in the dating world.
Be very, very careful about following the advice of list posts when it comes to anything to do with discerning your vocation. Even if these posts happen to come from the most reputable sources.
Dating may be a game, but making friends for life–and in particular forming an exclusive relationship with someone with whom you are willing to spend the rest of your life–is far too important to risk ruining by being anything other than yourself.
If you don’t know who you are, figure it out. I don’t mean that you have to run off and live in perfect solitude until you gain enlightenment about our essential self (though that is not a half bad idea if it appeals to you!). Interacting with others, including in the context of dating, can be a great way to learn about yourself. But at least keep self-discovery at the front of your mind for a while.
While you are learning enough about yourself to have half an idea of the sort of person you need to be with, cherish the friendships you make along the way. If you are a part of a singles group and you are getting lots of dates but no real friends, you might be wasting your flipping life. If you are praying about every man in your life as if he were a potential spouse, then you might be missing a whole lot more than a Friday night date.
If you are interested in attracting a man, look the part: look like yourself. After all, why would you want the romantic attention of a man who is not actually attracted to you? If you follow an All the Rules style approach to getting a guy’s attention by choosing feminine dresses and forcing smiles when it is not a reflection of your natural self, you may fail as a fake. Worse yet, you may succeed in attracting and marrying a man who is only attracted to you because you fill some role, because you put work into looking like someone you are not.
Never ask a guy out! Unless you actually want to go out with him. Don’t spend your time hanging out with a guy just to keep busy. Don’t ask a guy out to make another guy jealous.
Do not have an intimate friendship with a man who is not dating you. Unless you actually value friendships and want more out of life than to have an isolated marriage disconnected from a life of close friendship. If a man cannot have close friendships with women without dating them, then you should look very carefully at how he actually views women. If he is an egalitarian, then why does he feel the need to rule out half of humans in forming friendships? And if one subscribes to a not-entirely-sexist sort of complementarianism, then friendship with members of the other sex is crucial to living life fully. If a man claims to be a complementarian, but only wants to be friends with a woman if she is marriage-material, then chances are he only values women in–how shall we say this?–a very specific role. Run. Fast.
Once a man initiates a friendship, continue letting him pursue you as you get to know each other. Well, first of all you might need to figure out whether he is “pursuing” you at all. Initiating friendship is not the same as possibly pursuing marriage with someone. If a man is pursuing you, then you may need to do one of two things: either make clear the fact that you cannot pursue such a relationship with him at this time, or else pursue it together! If a man is worth your time dating seriously, then he is worth your time and emotional energy in working together to pursue a mutually beneficial relationship. Maybe you won’t end up married, but at least you will know that you can trust each other to be honest.
Do not buy into the idea that men must be leaders and women followers. And even if you like that idea, do not delude yourself into thinking that you can teach a man how to lead you for life by playing coy.
I knew all of this when I was dating, but still I inadvertently forced my now-husband to “pursue” me. Because I was so uncertain about our relationship and whether I could possibly be a good wife for him, I hesitated at every.single.step, thus requiring him to initiate every.sing.step if he wanted things to go anywhere.
I was never dishonest, but I kept a lot of my emotions to myself. The only times that I took initiative in defining our relationship were times when I believed that we needed to take a step (or five) back.
Because of this, he was forced into behavior that would serve as a perfect model for the male-leadership ideal. I might have been just a tad too hard to get, but I was pretty close to perfect for the passive woman.
Then we got married.
You know what happened? We were still ourselves.
Having space–nay, being required–to pursue me did not make my husband into a natural leader when we were finally married. Being passive and pathetic did not make me into a follower once married.
He remains a strong man who is happiest when he does not have to decide details of domestic life. I remain a control freak who knows how I want things to be done years before he has even realized there is something to be done. In fact, when we were first married I discovered that one of the very best ways to irritate him was to refuse to make decisions and instead force him into leading when he did not give a cat’s head about what happened other than that I was happy.
If I had married him while under the impression that my great romantic initiator would be my leader once married, I would have been cruelly disappointed. If he had married me under the impression that I would sit around waiting for him to make things happen–well, that would have been problematic indeed.
Furthermore, in the cases of my friends who played the pursuer/pursued while dating and then married, the women were left incredibly dejected.
The entire relationship is structured on something unsustainable. Once married, the woman is effectively possessed. Either she rejects authentic intimacy in hopes of keeping up her captivating sense of mystery, or else she finds that she herself has been caught. The man has no need to pursue her since she is now his, and he rightfully turns his attention to other things. The woman feels empty and disenchanted. Her romantic knight may be a perfectly good husband, but she did not really want a husband, a companion.
The husband, bored with his conquest, may be incredibly frustrated that his wife demands an unsustainable sort of attention. It stinks.
So, yeah. Don’t force the whole “men must pursue, women must be pursued” thing. If it works naturally with your personalities, then great. But if you have to squelch your natural tendencies in order to “let him lead” or coyly pull him into taking the initiative, then you are in fact initiating–you are instigating nothing other than a marriage based on a lie about your very self.
A few years of dating and engagement is never going to be enough to change your personalities, your gifts, your natural honest way of relating to others. A few years of dating can be used to set the framework for a fabulous partnership based on shared strengths, or it can be squandered in trying to play into stereotypes.
Never waste your time seriously dating someone you do not love. Never be dishonest with someone you love. Be generous with those you love. Be honest about who you are, and graciously give from the abundance of strengths which God has given you as a unique person.
Q: I have to do natural family planning class but I am on the pill… any suggestions for that?
A: First of all, congratulations on your upcoming wedding! Marriage preparation can be a stressful time under any circumstance, and it is good that you are already thinking about the requirements of your parish (or diocese).
The good news is that you can fulfill the requirement to take natural family planning (NFP) classes, regardless of what medication you happen to be on. Being on the pill means that you will not have a natural menstrual cycle which is the whole basis for the practice of NFP, but it does not mean that you cannot learn the about a method of NFP. Basically, you can learn, you just won’t be able to practice.
My fiancé and I took a natural family planning class which met for one evening a month for several months, and before it was over I had to start the pill for health reasons. The instructor was remarkably helpful with enabling us to not only finish the class, but also to learn about more resources for my condition.
A few practical tips:
Understand your limitations. You will be able to learn a lot about NFP while on the pill, but you will not be able to get the same real-world charting experience as the other women with natural cycles. You can (and should) chart, but your chart will not be useful for tracking fertility, because the pill is suppressing your fertility. This could be frustrating but if you are determined and willing to do a little extra work, you should still be able to understand the material.
Be straightforward. Tell your instructor at the earliest appropriate time that you are on the pill. That way she will be able to understand not only where you are coming from, but also to have realistic expectations when looking at your practice charts.
Be open minded. This is a great time to learn about your body. NFP is centered on understanding and appreciating fertility–always a good thing. Even if you already know that NFP will not work for you right now, it is always possible that it will be exactly what you need in the future.
Be creative. If you do not absolutely have to be on the pill, consider taking a break from it for a while. Sometimes amid all of the stress of preparing for marriage, you really need some space to think about yourself and reassess what you need. This includes all areas of health, and certainly your reproductive health. One option is to go to your first NFP class while still on the pill, and ask the instructor for a referral for a gynecologist who can help you come up with alternatives.
Be respectful. And expect respect. No matter how stupid the requirements to get married in your chosen parish may seem, they exist for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that previous couples were stupid and ruined things for the rest of us. And sometimes the reason is that someone out there actually knows of something which could be really helpful for your marriage.
Respect the process and the people who often have no more control over the rules than you do. Your NFP teacher will probably be a volunteer who genuinely wants to help you learn about something which has helped her. If for some reason you run into an exception, politely remove yourself from the situation and call your diocese for suggestions on alternate ways to learn NFP.
Here’s to a happy and healthy marriage!
I reach for the water
But the doubt stops my hand
You must help me, my God
I cannot understand
This thirst is above real
I am parched for the truth
But I no longer hope
It is too hard for youth
It is beyond perfect-
Equally beyond grasp
Perhaps it’s forbidden
By my terrible past
I have never had faith
Or grace of a child’s trust
Now I am my own judge
Forgiveness is not just
This glacier of my heart
Refuses love entrance
Without faith I am lost
I know nothing of chance
What’s the point in waiting
In this unending night
I work for a future
That is beyond my sight
All I crave is a drop
To quench this driving thirst
But I can’t help myself
I must cry for the First
Oh Savior, my Jesus
My Spirit of true life
Rescue me from myself
And my own chosen strife
Crush my resistance now
In your unending flood
End this cry forever
With water turned to blood
Most Glorious Virgin Mary,
Be with the Church today.
Show us that you are not only Our Lady, but truly Our Mother.
